Choice, Curse and The Silver Lining
by Lena
CHOICE
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, and yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, not tarries with yesterday. “– Kahlil Gibran
from the book : The Prophet
I am sharing this, because I want to help people who are suffering with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), prediabetes, Metrorrhagia, Endometriosis, Anemia, Diabetes 2, Pre-cancerous cells, Cancer, IBS, Thyroid dysfunction, Lymphatic Dysfunction.
Health update (DECEMBER 2017) — After years of agony, I was able to heal some of the major health problems completely (after exposure to a couple of vaccines that were given to me in USA in 2011 and 2012) with natural remedies and the rest health problems got much better.
Things that healed me —
Important — (!!!You are an adult, over 18 and if you’re not over 18, you shouldn’t be reading this site. Do your own independent research and make your own decisions. Do not rely on anything you see written or said about the subject of health. It is your health, so take responsibility for your health and well-being like I did and stop relying on “doctors”, “system” and articles that you read online… Do your own independent research and make your own decisions if you truly want healing!!!)
- Boron (that is labeled as poison by the system) / “Borax”. Research benefits of boron and how it can cure things.
- Black Seed Oil
- Extra Virgin Cold Pressed Coconut Oil (best one is from Philippines) for cooking and skin care, only natural hand-made soaps for skin and hair, no shampoos or any synthetic creams, no synthetic cosmetics, not drinking tap water and cutting red meat out of my diet. I only eat wild caught fish (as much as I can) and wild caught meat (sometimes not on regular basis)
- If you can not eat it don’t put in on your skin.
- Apricot seeds (B17 that is also banned), Turmeric and Chloroxygen.
- 30-40 days eating only uncooked foods… (and I do mean NOTHING cooked in any way) going completely raw for a month or more, no coffee, no alcohol, no teas with caffeine.
- Doing what I love, creating and dancing this life no matter what.
- Collecting memories, instead of things and leading a nomadic life 9-10 months of the year and sharing joy, happiness, tears, laughs and love with people in all corners of the world.
- Forgiving myself and people who hurt me most and writing down the date that I will be healed. Writing down things that you want in your life, will bring them to you. Write down your dream life. Right now… go write your wishes down.
- Asking for forgiveness (and forgiving in the process) even of those who’ve done wrong by me and letting go. (it’s a process)
- Spending time with nature as much as I can, with people that I love and not watching “news” or TV since 2008.
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Caution! Mature Content Ahead …
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Yo-ho-yo-ho a child-free life for me!
Yep, I said it. And you’re more than welcome to tear me to pieces, for my ignorance.
What about war, poverty, horrible healthcare system, joblessness?
I’m 30, so everyone obviously is in shock when they hear that me and my guy, of now 7 years, don’t want kids. I see these stepford wives with strollers and their unhappy husbands, who’s only wish is probably a very yummy blowjob. They are all wondering why I don’t want to join in on the fun. Here are the top idiotic things I’ve been told, after they hear about my choice (I also submitted answers that such sentences deserve) –
1. “You really are missing out, having kids is so much fun!” –
Listen, lady, what kinda drugs did they pop in you, after you tore your vagina apart, to convince you of how much fun childbirth is? And by the way, your new hair stylist, doesn’t cover well the loss of your hair. Very few women remain feminine and attractive after having kids. It usually involves a lot of really, really hard daily work and a good surgeon. How is the sleep lately? Don’t answer that, your eyes just answered for you. But your husband’s eyes for some reason are not looking at your adorable, screaming little bundle of joy, when I pass you on the street… he is staring at my ass, tits and lips, while trying to remember the last spontaneous and unscheduled time with his wife. – Yes, all this is sooooo much fun! Where do I sign up?!
2. “But who’s gonna take care of you when you get old?” / “Your Life will remain unfulfilled and unhappy!” / “You are so selfish!!” –
What? Do you actually hear yourself? Are you saying that you are bringing this new life into this 7 + billion population, in order to take care of poor you when you’re old? Have you gone mad? You, narcissistic bitch! You dare to call me selfish for taking care of my own old ass, by myself? I call that courage! Getting old is not for wimps and not everyone “makes it” to that age either.. being old is a fucking privilege! Every wrinkle and grey hair on my ass I will carry with pride!
And when you and I get old, you’ll be in a fucking hospital or a nursing home, surrounded by the screaming grand kids, who are too busy to say their “goodbyes” cause they are updating their twitter feed, to tell some creeps they never met, that you are on your deathbed. And that’s best case scenario.. Should I tell you about all those lonely souls inside those lonely walls of nursing homes?… In the meantime, in some other part of the world, I’m screaming from a fucking orgasm, (probably my last one at that) with a young/not so young lad, that I handsomely paid to/or not, in some hotel/motel room. I have champagne/dirty martini in one hand, chocolate with a Cuban cigar in the other and one very hard “Cigar” between my legs, which name I will surely forget, because of my old age.
My body will be full of tattoos, wrinkles and cellulite. But eyes will remain full of PASSION, breathtaking stories from my MIND-BLOWING LIFE and faces of all the INCREDIBLE PEOPLE that I was lucky enough to share it with, be it for a minute or a lifetime. They will flicker, like bright flames in front of my eyes. That young/not so young lad, will fall in love with MY SOUL, who has never compromised and who lived “MY WAY” always! He will see a woman, who took responsibility for her own happiness and who made love to life, like it was the last time… every piece, every bite, every scent and taste… until the last breath, until the very last orgasm.
Listen, girlfriend, this kid, that you so generously popped out for this world (we all thank you so very much) is NOT YOU! He/she is NOT FOR YOU either! But you will try to live through this poor sucker and try to make your own failed dreams into THEIR reality. Who’s selfish now? While your child wants to be an artist, you’ll drill a hole into his heart with “You are so ungrateful!, I’ve sacrificed my whole life for you and you don’t want to be a lawyer!!” or you want your son to go to army when he grows up, but he is playing with dolls and grows up infatuated with art and men. You throw him out of the house, because YOUR son would never do that! Your love is bullshit, lady, it means nothing! You love yourself and your own ego, that desperately requires daily stroking, with the help of your child’s success.
Your child is a whole new and unknown universe, treat them as such.
A side note about that “unfulfilled” remark –
I chose to help and continue helping many kids around the world. No, I’m not doing it for me or you… I’m doing it for them. I’m choosing to help many, who no longer have parents.
How is that selfish, unfulfilled and unhappy?
3. “Aren’t you going to regret your decision?” –
Oh, this one is my favorite. In the words of Mr. Frank Sinatra “Regrets, I’ve had a few… ” you know the rest and if you don’t, get off my site! Now!
I’d like to ask this question a couple who was recently sued by their own dear daughter, for refusing to pay her tuition.
Just imagine – you tear your fucking ass (no, I’m not going to filter this… yes, Duchess of Cambridge, I’m talking to you, don’t tell me you did it with that “royal wave” and an innocent smile of yours). Then, you endure excruciating pain for months, sleepless nights, constant worry, early aging, getting fat and ugly, loosing hair, your tits need constant support, so is your tummy. Through years, you continue to worry daily for her well-being, doctors visits, buying clothes, food and school supplies, taking her to ballet classes and crying happy tears, cause she managed to finish school, without being knocked up, by some looser…
Now if it was Prince Harry, on the other hand…. that would be a different story, right babe?! Cause you do, secretly want that for your daughter.. Don’t lie now, it’s ok, it’s normal! All little girls are conditioned to marry Prince Charming with the rest of the rose-colored bull crap. You have all that worry for her future and years of sacrifice, with a very stretched vagina on top… Like a cherry, that’s not exactly a cherry anymore, coupled with insanely fast declining libido.
After all this, your precious little pumpkin, goes ahead and sues your ass for not paying her tuition!
Take my brother, for instance, his two teen-age daughters from first marriage, only call him, when they need money… how sad is that?!
“Milkawhat?!” Yeah, I’ll be so regretting all of the above …
And listen, if I ever do “regret” not having my own kids and something very big, will hit me in the head, very hard, in my, let’s say 40’s or even 50’s – I’ll adopt a child that needs love. World is full of those, you know… or at the very least will sponsor several children in different countries.
Will I miss the diaper-sniffing years (thanks George Carlin) ? No! Because I’m an aunt already 5 times and I’m a great-aunt once. So I’ve done the whole diaper-changing, food spitting, shit cleaning and bed singing activities… Did I enjoy them? No! If I didn’t enjoy them while helping out my brother, it would be insanity to do this to myself 24/7 for the next 18 or so years! If the child is in he’s 40’s or 60’s the worry and heartbreak of a mother never ends…
All of social stigma towards women like myself, gets a really, really loud FUCK YOU from me!
I don’t want babies, I just love practicing… after all, practice makes perfect.
Having it all ? — what kind of idiot came up with that notion? The most important thing in life is knowing you have enough. Do I want a mini-me? No! I’m not that vain! Some people want a “mini-me”, I want to spare the world from another me. And besides, with my not so great health, why on earth would I want to pass it on to a child? Wouldn’t that be a very selfish thing to want?
Which brings us to a …
CURSE
It’s been two, going-on 3 years of hell. Have contemplated many times if I should share this or keep it private. But ya know what? I’m fucking fearless! So here it goes…
You know, life without humor would be like a hanging soap with no rope. Here’s a joke, that someone so proudly came up with – “I don’t trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn’t die!”
That smart-ass’s balls would crawl inside-out in search of a “happy place”, if he knew that this mysterious “anything” can bleed for 20 days and just keep on living. Yeah, I’m one of those “super-duper lucky” ones who’s living with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and Menorrhagia. It can not be cured… ever. You can only try to manage it.
I have the courage to write this, not because I want pity. I hope to bring at least a bit of hope and maybe even a giggle when she reads this. To some woman or a girl, somewhere, who feels hopeless, helpless and just downright in hell. Just like me.
After years of pure, mad, hell. After countless doctor visits, tests and ultra sounds… they gave it a name… however they said “well we actually haven’t made one up for that specific one yet, so everyone calls it polycystic ovarian syndrome.” Oh, ok, thanks, because a week ago you were sure it was cancer. Speaking of fucking cancer, what is wrong with people when they say “well, at least it’s not cancer!” wow! seriously!?!
When you live in my shoes for at least 3-4 months and know the torture that I go through every month, you have the right to discuss the notion of what’s worse. The hysterical tears, the sobbing into my pillow, from pain, weakness and not being able to crawl out of bed or go to a yoga class, or even take my dog outside… to have your womanhood ripped out of you in your prime years, every single month, over and over again… To get dizzy and sometimes faint, to not being able to sleep or wake up, loosing/gaining weight, fights with your loved ones, to bruise easily and not being able to get rid of them.
The pure agony of not being able to do anything about it. To constantly have to push myself and walk the line… sometimes crawl it. To feel like the whole world is collapsing around you, one tear at a time. To endure, to lift yourself up and start over again.To have to take hormonal pills (indefinitely), that make you suicidal, with other horrible, chemo-therapy-like side effects.
Some women do fine with hormonal therapy… I’m not one of them. Sometimes I wonder whats going to kill me first, the illness or the “cure”.
Yes, those are the options – hormonal therapy – pills / shots for the rest of my adulthood or hysterectomy. I always said “It’s good to have choices” .. Both of those choices come with some pretty damaging side effects.
I tried everything under the sun, from herbs, to changing diet, doing yoga, being active, acupuncture and even flown to Bali to 3 different traditional healers.
“It would be a miracle if you ever get pregnant” – One of the countless doctors I’ve seen, told me. Well, I’ve already made my peace with that one in my “Choice” section. Which came before the diagnosis, so please, spare your pity, in that department.
How is cancer worse? I have to live with this hell until at least 50, I’m 30 now.. do the math, I’ve never been good at that. Doing EVERYTHING for me is twice as hard. BEING A WOMAN is TWICE as hard for me. My mother is optimistic though (let me tell you, NOTHING will shake that woman! When she wants something, there’s no reasoning with her) she REALLY wants a grand kid… mothers always do, don’t they?…
Is it always bad? No! And those days I devour with my whole being…
THE SILVER LINING
You know, sometimes when I’m at my lowest, Mr. Bond, tells me to go on my “Author page”, and read through it. 30 years. 30 incredible years. A lot of people will never even do half of that in their lifetime.
Just before I turned 30, one lady in her 60’s at a bar, told me this advice about turning 30 –
“Don’t settle, enjoy the transition and find something you love to do or someone you love to do and do it.” – Lola.
I continue to live my life unapologetically honest, raw and free. I give my whole self to Creative Life, be it in front of the camera or behind it. Be it in my poetry or prose. Be it in my traveling or dance. When you meet me, I fly into your soul and stay there. I melt with places, people, sounds and scents. I become part of them and they in return, stay with me.
All those moments, roads and faces. They are all magnificent and priceless. And they are mine to keep.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go book myself a ticket somewhere I’ve never been before and leave. Order myself a Very Dirty Martini, with some very dirty, mind-bending sex, with my lover and maybe even a very dirty and hot orgy or two… After all, I do want to regret as fewer as possible “not having done” things in my life.
How’s that for a silver lining ? …
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The woman behind The Choice, The Curse and The Silver Lining…
The Artiste
The Author
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Hello, im not saying you are not right, i dont rally have opinion on having or not having kids, i really dont care at the moment about this stuff and surely long time i wont.
Take this opinion just as another angle of view.
Im not gonna try to convince you about having kids, i hope it doesnt sound like that, im just trying to continue your thought and be philosophical about it.
What if your mum thought as you did ?
You wouldnt be here and you wouldnt be doing this all exciting things everyday you enjoy so much with the passion, i know that it is kind of paradox in the logic way, cause if you werent here, you wouldnt live exciting life, this blog would not be here, you would not follow me and i would not see your blog, read it and comment it about this.
You chose to collect memories, to see the world, things dangerous to come, to find eachother and to feel…
Isnt having kid one part about it ?
They give you memories good and bad, they can see world with you, it sometimes might be dangerous, if you are caring you have already eachother and there must be involved one of the strongest feelings.
And one day they might write nice, inspiring, interesting blog as you did, they might do even much more cause you can give your kid guidance, show its own way.
As i read it, you presume that having kids is in general annoying expereince full of troubles etc… cause you heard it and seen it from everybody else.
What i learned and im trying to implenet in my mind is to have none presumption over new people and stuff, everyone and every new situation is diferrent.
i’m sorry, but did you just skip the “Curse” part so you could leave this “angle of view” of yours and tell me that the only reason I don’t want kids is because I ” presume that having kids is in general annoying expereince full of troubles etc… cause you heard it and seen it from everybody else. ” ?? if you did read the whole thing, then you are one insensitive soul… if you didn’t read the whole 3 chapters, then you have no right to submit “your angle” on the matter. until you do…
Oh damn me, mistakes were made, im not insensitive, i just have no right to submit my angle cause im dumb and i really didnt read last part.
The philosophical thought just struck me in the middle and i started to write, i really didnt mean to offend you. I know now it cant be cured, but i hope you are well and hope it will get better for you.
Childless and proud!
I’ve had clucking obstetricians tell me years ago after more procedures to remove more polyps that chances of pregnancy are slim to none in my so-call peri-menopausal state. ‘We recommend you freeze a few eggs while you still have them?’
And why would I want to do that? Years ago I made a choice to not be a ‘breeder’ and have never regretted it. That biology kicked in and validated the decision was no big deal.
So now in my mid-40s and my partner in his early 50s, we live life on our terms without any desire to bring into the world a ‘next generation’ edition.
It is always a breath of fresh air when others are proud of their childless choice too!
I am interested in spreading my ideas not my genes. It’s time for spiritual evolution. The world doesn’t need more humans. It needs better humans.
I too have pcos. It’s a really hard diagnosis to swallow especially because there is no cure and not much one can do with all of the wonderful symptoms! All we can do is enjoy the moment and hope for better treatment options in the future–and share our stories!! xoxo
Dear God, my long lost sister! I’ve found you at last! Pay no mind to the fact that we look nothing like each other. 😛 Oh, yes, the lovely doctors and their suspicions of cancer…sometimes I think they told me that just so that when we found out it was ovarian cysts caused by immune activation (courtesy of uncontrolled celiac disease. DAMN YOU GLUTEN), I wouldn’t kill them for giving me a non-answer. -_- Bitches.
You keep on keeping on with your childlessness. 😀 I always thought some people would be happier if they didn’t have children, because some people (maybe like me? Still on the fence) are best off when they don’t have the biological impetus to sacrifice everything for their spawn. The world’s overpopulated anyway! People need to quit letting their hormones do all the talking and start thinking using GREY MATTER, not neuropeptides. Si? :3
I surely will be looking for your next post, and thank you for following mine!
Excellent post that really resonates! There are a thousand reasons why people have kids that are totally valid. Why are the equally-valid reasons to not have children interpreted as “please correct my ill-informed decision over what I want to do with my body and, oh, yeah, the rest of my life”? It gets a little ridiculous.
You have made life THAT much better with this post!!! Similar boat to you – almost 30, married, we’ve been together for 10 years. And I like my life very much and feel no need to give it up so that you can all oohh and aaahh over the blob that’s meant to “fulfill” me… Not sure when it became ok for strangers to decide what is and isn’t “fulfilling” and what would make my life better, but I’m considering printing your post and handing it out to any future a-holes who think they get a say in my decisions! LOVE your work lady!!
Also childless by choice. The things people said when I was in my 20s really hurt. But I’ve never regretted my decision. And those who had the kids became angry, bitter people and old before their time.
Lena, You are a free spirit who chooses to be happy and positive (most of the time). You find joy in simple things and in mind bending complications. Yes you will miss some joy and love by skipping kids but they do take a huge commitment with no guarantee of results. At 30 it is time to fish or cut bait and you have made this decision fully aware of its impact, congratulations. Hope you can minimize your health issues and continue to live simply, travel lightly and tell us all about it. Your posts are refreshing.
Mike from the Mind and Soul Candy blog.
Two things. Nobody knows what it’s like to be you. And, it’s none of their business anyway. 🙂
A like button stops there! I read the whole post to get to Speak your truth…Just one truth this time….you’ve got kids all over the world, and a world of love wherever you go! Look forward to your next life adventure and the truth about it.
Dear Elena, I am sorry to read about how suffer with your illness/pain. I wish you good health and to continue living loudly, bravely, and well!
I have loved reading about your world travels and boundless love and openness. Your photographs are stunning.
Children do restrict life while they are at home (read: pain in the butt!), and they may or may not grow into wonderful human beings. My two sons are independent, thank God, and leading good (and childless) lives. Kids are certainly not for everyone!
I am sorry to read about the struggles and pain around your health, but glad to know you’re off on a new venture!
My blogging partner and I wrote a piece for the Huffington Post on our choice not to have children. We didn’t quite expect the amount iof vitriol that was hurled our way. Actually, we were totally unprepared for so much judgement, not to mention the downright insulting and vulgar. So good for you for saying it out loud. Whatever your style may be.
I loved that piece!! Bravo to you for having courage to speak your truth! Everyone will have their opinion on the matter.. you will never be able to please everyone with choices you make and words you use… there’s only one person you should answer to, in this life of ours… yourself. Standing ovation from me to you, for that work. You can share the link here to your article… if you wish. It really is a piece of art!
love,
lena
wow, what a writing…and your style is what makes this blog very unique and great riveted reading – bravo !
It is difficult to imagine someone as fiery and lively as you carrying around such pain. It is incredible how you found the strength and will to do all that you did and plan to do!
Thank you for sharing, you have a beautiful way with words. (:
Well said – Kudos to you – it’s your choice how you live your OWN life! The only thing worse than having to watch people who believe it’s their “destiny” to have children, is having to listen to them try to convince THEMSELVES that life is “so much better” now they have them when all indicators say their life isn’t so. They then go on to martyr themselves for making this decision to have unprotected sex. Having children is hard work and a full-time commitment – it’s so much more than then cute little onesies. (Much like marriage which is so much more than the pretty wedding day.) I’m one of those rare lucky ones who gets to explore this incredible world with my two children who want to see and experience as much as I do but there are those who say we spoil our children but a) they’re MY children, and b) I’m not asking for approval. Now I’m off to pack for our visit to the Arctic Tundra in search of Polar Bear next week. Life, we all choose to live it differently – if we all chose the same path how dreary would that be?!
I have no children by choice, and have faced all those questions as well, 48 and still no regrets. I have bled for two years solid and endured various other gyno-torments. Loved hearing you give’m hell. Peace to you Amiga.
Given the brevity of life…one should live it as they chose…not as others say they should..
Perfectly stated. And perfectly related. Living as a 46 year old without children, I’m often confronted with the same issues. You know, when I got my vasectomy, I told a few people who are close to me. And you know the most common response was, “Don’t worry, it’s reversible.” Somehow, they missed the point. Carry on Lena, we are doing what is best for us. JT
It is so human to try to impose one’s views on another. Fortunately, you aren’t obligated to join in. You have already decided how your future will be and life’s fulfillment comes from those choices. Don’t just live your life, live it well.
I get it, blogs are personal spaces where we get to write what we like, because we can. But sheesh, this one was terrible. Why so angry? Why so hateful? Why so vulgar?
People are always going to want to comment on other people’s lives, and have opinions, but if you really want people to know what you’re thinking when they tell you “kids are so much fun” then just tell them.
I am not one who has an opinion on people’s decisions regarding kids, be and let be, but I just feel that reading this post made me feel ugly inside, because of it’s anger and aggression.
But I will be, and let be, and accept that you definitely have the right to write what you like. But I really felt that I should let you know that for a blog that has always filled me with excitement and joy, this post was really quite unsavoury. (I couldn’t get past your old-age prostitution orgasms, so I didn’t read the full piece – I really hope it did get better from there, for other readers’ sakes).
K
guess you don’t recognize satire. Glad, that readers who read my site, consist of 99% of those people who actually read the whole piece. Although the ending might be too much for your delicate ears. Thanks for your opinion non the less. I will be more than glad to loose a reader like you… the one who doesn’t respect writers style of writing, expression and doesn’t read the whole piece. best
I totally and entirely agree with you, Lena… my very best, take care and tons of inspiration, cheers! 🙂 Mélanie
Hi Lena – thanks for that post, made me smile about the guy checking you out, I’d be looking at you if you walked past me and I’m a woman :)! So no surprises there. Loved the post, if you make choices that question the status quo you will always be questioned, because you challenge everyone else who went along with what is expected I guess……bursts the bubble and holds up a mirror, people really dont like that. As long as what you chose is is what you chose it’s all ok….funnily enough when I was 20 I thought the same thing, why pop out extra babies instead of supporting those out there that fell through the big net. Oh and one last comment – having worked with old dying patents, sadly some relatives only come because of the will, but you are not surprised there either are you 🙂
You are one spunky lady. Shame it will stop with you. Spun kyness is in short supply.
very moving in its raw honesty
B R A V O
Thanks for sharing this Lena. Your post resonates in a big way, laughed and close to tears – as you rightly said, no pity is required. Well done for living your life to the fullest.
A little to share about the ridiculous pressure of procreation. My parents pastor once visited while I was home, as is custom he offered to pray when he was leaving. The content of the prayer was hilarious and presumptuous at the same time that I had to open my eyes to ask my mother what she told the pastor. The prayer was that God should touch my womb so I can have a child and many more. My parents did not tell him anything but he just thought it was his business to make assumptions about me without any real knowledge of my plans. I was 30 that year. Needless to say, I had a good laugh because the joke was on him.
I always love reading your posts, so refreshing, raw and unapologetic. It always makes me wonder whether those women who say “You’re missing out” in regards to children are actually being completely honest, most of all with themselves! Children are hard work, and I think people forget that they are not our possessions, those of us who choose to have them are merely their guides and protectors until they are able to look after themselves. It is a choice, and people ought to mind their own business – and seriously, I am a mama to one little boy, and when I hear a woman say that she is choosing to be child free I think that is one awesome decision! It was a choice I had made when I was young, but after an accidental impregnation I chose to follow that path, but most definately only the once – I will only be a mama to the one little man! He asked me recently if he was ever gonna be a big brother – my response – honey, I only have enough love for you! People are shocked when I state adamantly that I will never have anymore – I mean seriously, I’ve done it once, why the hell would I do it again!?! He’s growing now and me and my little dude are gonna travel this awesome globe together until he’s old enough to begin his own adventure.
thank you and bravo to you..
I wish you had a like button. Keep inspiring!