Choice, Curse and The Silver Lining

by Lena

CHOICE

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, and yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, not tarries with yesterday. “

– Kahlil Gibran
from the book : The Prophet

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  Caution! Mature Content Ahead …

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Yo-ho-yo-ho a child-free life for me!

Yep, I said it. And you’re more than welcome to tear me to pieces, for my ignorance.

What about war, poverty, horrible healthcare system, joblessness?

I’m 30, so everyone obviously is in shock when they hear that me and my guy, of now 7 years, don’t want kids. I see these stepford wives with strollers and their unhappy husbands, who’s only wish is probably a very yummy blowjob. They are all wondering why I don’t want to join in on the fun. Here are the top idiotic things I’ve been told, after they hear about my choice (I also submitted answers that such sentences deserve)

1. “You really are missing out, having kids is so much fun!”

Listen, lady, what kinda drugs did they pop in you, after you tore your vagina apart, to convince you of how much fun childbirth is? And by the way, your new hair stylist, doesn’t cover well the loss of your hair. Very few women remain feminine and attractive after having kids. It usually involves a lot of really, really hard daily work and a good surgeon. How is the sleep lately? Don’t answer that, your eyes just answered for you. But your husband’s eyes for some reason are not looking at your adorable, screaming little bundle of joy, when I pass you on the street… he is staring at my ass, tits and lips, while trying to remember the last spontaneous and unscheduled time with his wife. – Yes, all this is sooooo much fun! Where do I sign up?!

2. “But who’s gonna take care of you when you get old?” / “Your Life will remain unfulfilled and unhappy!” / “You are so selfish!!”

What? Do you actually hear yourself? Are you saying that you are bringing this new life into this 7 + billion population, in order to take care of poor you when you’re old? Have you gone mad? You, narcissistic bitch! You dare to call me selfish for taking care of my own old ass, by myself? I call that courage! Getting old is not for wimps and not everyone “makes it” to that age either.. being old is a fucking privilege! Every wrinkle and grey hair on my ass I will carry with pride!

And when you and I get old, you’ll be in a fucking hospital or a nursing home, surrounded by the screaming grand kids, who are too busy to say their “goodbyes” cause they are updating their twitter feed, to tell some creeps they never met, that you are on your deathbed. And that’s best case scenario.. Should I tell you about all those lonely souls inside those lonely walls of nursing homes?… In the meantime, in some other part of the world, I’m screaming from a fucking orgasm, (probably my last one at that) with a young/not so young lad, that I handsomely paid to/or not, in some hotel/motel room. I have champagne/dirty martini in one hand, chocolate with a Cuban cigar in the other and one very hard “Cigar” between my legs, which name I will surely forget, because of my old age.

My body will be full of tattoos, wrinkles and cellulite. But eyes will remain full of PASSION, breathtaking stories from my MIND-BLOWING LIFE and faces of all the INCREDIBLE PEOPLE that I was lucky enough to share it with, be it for a minute or a lifetime. They will flicker, like bright flames in front of my eyes. That young/not so young lad, will fall in love with MY SOUL, who has never compromised and who lived “MY WAY” always! He will see a woman, who took responsibility for her own happiness and who made love to life, like it was the last time… every piece, every bite, every scent and taste… until the last breath, until the very last orgasm.

Listen, girlfriend, this kid, that you so generously popped out for this world (we all thank you so very much) is NOT YOU! He/she is NOT FOR YOU either! But you will try to live through this poor sucker and try to make your own failed dreams into THEIR reality. Who’s selfish now? While your child wants to be an artist, you’ll drill a hole into his heart with “You are so ungrateful!, I’ve sacrificed my whole life for you and you don’t want to be a lawyer!!” or you want your son to go to army when he grows up, but he is playing with dolls and grows up infatuated with art and men. You throw him out of the house, because YOUR son would never do that! Your love is bullshit, lady, it means nothing! You love yourself and your own ego, that desperately requires daily stroking, with the help of your child’s success.

 Your child is a whole new and unknown universe, treat them as such.

A side note about that “unfulfilled” remark –

I chose to help and continue helping many kids around the world. No, I’m not doing it for me or you… I’m doing it for them. I’m choosing to help many, who no longer have parents.

How is that selfish, unfulfilled and unhappy?

3. “Aren’t you going to regret your decision?” –

Oh, this one is my favorite. In the words of Mr. Frank Sinatra “Regrets, I’ve had a few… ” you know the rest and if you don’t, get off my site! Now!

I’d like to ask this question a couple who was recently sued by their own dear daughter, for refusing to pay her tuition.

Just imagine – you tear your fucking ass (no, I’m not going to filter this… yes, Duchess of Cambridge, I’m talking to you, don’t tell me you did it with that “royal wave” and an innocent smile of yours). Then, you endure excruciating pain for months, sleepless nights, constant worry, early aging, getting fat and ugly, loosing hair, your tits need constant support, so is your tummy. Through years, you continue to worry daily for her well-being, doctors visits, buying clothes, food and school supplies, taking her to ballet classes and crying happy tears, cause she managed to finish school, without being knocked up, by some looser…

Now if it was Prince Harry, on the other hand….  that would be a different story, right babe?! Cause you do, secretly want that for your daughter.. Don’t lie now, it’s ok, it’s normal! All little girls are conditioned to marry Prince Charming with the rest of the rose-colored bull crap. You have all that worry for her future and years of sacrifice, with a very stretched vagina on top… Like a cherry, that’s not exactly a cherry anymore, coupled with insanely fast declining libido.

After all this, your precious little pumpkin, goes ahead and sues your ass for not paying her tuition!

Take my brother, for instance, his two teen-age daughters from first marriage, only call him, when they need money… how sad is that?!

“Milkawhat?!” Yeah, I’ll be so regretting all of the above …

And listen, if I ever do “regret” not having my own kids and something very big, will hit me in the head, very hard, in my, let’s say 40’s or even 50’s – I’ll adopt a child that needs love. World is full of those, you know… or at the very least will sponsor several children in different countries.

Will I miss the diaper-sniffing years (thanks George Carlin) ? No! Because I’m an aunt already 5 times and I’m a great-aunt once. So I’ve done the whole diaper-changing, food spitting, shit cleaning and bed singing activities… Did I enjoy them? No! If I didn’t enjoy them while helping out my brother, it would be insanity to do this to myself 24/7 for the next 18 or so years! If the child is in he’s 40’s or 60’s the worry and heartbreak of a mother never ends…

All of social stigma towards women like myself, gets a really, really loud FUCK YOU from me!

I don’t want babies, I just love practicing… after all, practice makes perfect.

Having it all ? — what kind of idiot came up with that notion? The most important thing in life is knowing you have enough. Do I want a mini-me? No! I’m not that vain! Some people want a “mini-me”, I want to spare the world from another me. And besides, with my not so great health, why on earth would I want to pass it on to a child? Wouldn’t that be a very selfish thing to want?

Which brings us to a …

CURSE

It’s been two, going-on 3 years of hell. Have contemplated many times if I should share this or keep it private. But ya know what? I’m fucking fearless! So here it goes…

 You know, life without humor would be like a hanging soap with no rope. Here’s a joke, that someone so proudly came up with – “I don’t trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn’t die!”

That smart-ass’s balls would crawl inside-out in search of a “happy place”, if he knew that this mysterious “anything” can bleed for 20 days and just keep on living. Yeah, I’m one of those “super-duper lucky” ones who’s living with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and Menorrhagia. It can not be cured… ever. You can only try to manage it.

I have the courage to write this, not because I want pity. I hope to bring at least a bit of hope and maybe even a giggle when she reads this. To some woman or a girl, somewhere, who feels hopeless, helpless and just downright in hell. Just like me.

After years of pure, mad, hell. After countless doctor visits, tests and ultra sounds… they gave it a name… however they said “well we actually haven’t made one up for that specific one yet, so everyone calls it polycystic ovarian syndrome.” Oh, ok, thanks, because a week ago you were sure it was cancer. Speaking of fucking cancer, what is wrong with people when they say “well, at least it’s not cancer!” wow! seriously!?!

When you live in my shoes for at least 3-4 months and know the torture that I go through every month, you have the right to discuss the notion of what’s worse. The hysterical tears, the sobbing into my pillow, from pain, weakness and not being able to crawl out of bed or go to a yoga class, or even take my dog outside… to have your womanhood ripped out of you in your prime years, every single month, over and over again… To get dizzy and sometimes faint, to not being able to sleep or wake up, loosing/gaining weight, fights with your loved ones, to bruise easily and not being able to get rid of them.

The pure agony of not being able to do anything about it. To constantly have to push myself and walk the line… sometimes crawl it. To feel like the whole world is collapsing around you, one tear at a time. To endure, to lift yourself up and start over again.To have to take hormonal pills (indefinitely), that make you suicidal, with other horrible, chemo-therapy-like side effects.

Some women do fine with hormonal therapy… I’m not one of them. Sometimes I wonder whats going to kill me first, the illness or the “cure”.

Yes, those are the options – hormonal therapy – pills / shots for the rest of my adulthood or hysterectomy. I always said “It’s good to have choices” .. Both of those choices come with some pretty damaging side effects.

I tried everything under the sun, from herbs, to changing diet, doing yoga, being active, acupuncture and even flown to Bali to 3 different traditional healers.

“It would be a miracle if you ever get pregnant” – One of the countless doctors I’ve seen, told me. Well, I’ve already made my peace with that one in my “Choice” section. Which came before the diagnosis, so please, spare your pity, in that department.

How is cancer worse? I have to live with this hell until at least 50, I’m 30 now.. do the math, I’ve never been good at that. Doing EVERYTHING for me is twice as hard. BEING A WOMAN is TWICE as hard for me. My mother is optimistic though (let me tell you, NOTHING will shake that woman! When she wants something, there’s no reasoning with her) she REALLY wants a grand kid… mothers always do, don’t they?…

 Is it always bad? No! And those days I devour with my whole being…

THE SILVER LINING

You know, sometimes when I’m at my lowest, Mr. Bond, tells me to go on my “Author page”, and read through it. 30 years. 30 incredible years. A lot of people will never even do half of that in their lifetime.

Just before I turned 30, one lady in her 60’s at a bar, told me this advice about turning 30 –

“Don’t settle, enjoy the transition and find something you love to do or someone you love to do and do it.” – Lola.

I continue to live my life unapologetically honest, raw and free. I give my whole self to Creative Life, be it in front of the camera or behind it. Be it in my poetry or prose. Be it in my traveling or dance. When you meet me, I fly into your soul and stay there. I melt with places, people, sounds and scents. I become part of them and they in return, stay with me.

All those moments, roads and faces. They are all magnificent and priceless. And they are mine to keep.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go book myself a ticket somewhere I’ve never been before and leave. Order myself a Very Dirty Martini, with some very dirty, mind-bending sex, with my lover and maybe even a very dirty and hot orgy or two… After all, I do want to regret as fewer as possible “not having done” things in my life.

       How’s that for a silver lining ? …

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