Hello my loves,
I hope these lines find you at peace, in love and in good health. I exist inside a very interesting time of my life right now. I’m in Thailand… but that’s only geography, really…
The silent place where my soul is has no name.
For the first time in my life, nothing really matters, like it used to.
It just is.
Maybe sometime later I will write a bit more about this. Right now just sharing a couple of things I wrote recently.
“The Last Party”
I pulled up at one of the posh Beverly Hills hotels for a drink. Walked down a beautiful palace-like lobby and noticed a very strange, upscale gathering. Gorgeous people and models everywhere, famous actors and fashion designers. There was someone giving a speech, everyone was listening intently and clapping passionately. Then a beautiful tall woman in a gown approached me and asked me to follow her. Her sparkling gown lead the way into a beautiful courtyard… she showed me with a very elegant gesture the way I should go, she smiled, turned around and went back into the direction of the gathering in the hotel. “What a very fluid, perfected and transcendent reality” I thought. When I looked towards the gardens, I noticed an iron fence all around it and a huge camp, that looked like a military base… I walked into it and saw bunk beds that filled the whole space. They looked identical with green and white bedding. Saw only women here, they were all dressed the same — very mannequin-like, same outfits, same walk, same eye expressions. They talked in low volume, almost whispering…
Most of them looked like they just came off from the cover of Vogue magazine, some were older women, but all of them had the same expressionless manner about them. A kind of nonchalant existence and constant talk of beauty, age, skin perfection etc.. I placed my purse on one of the bunk beds, and was given by a woman who looked like a fashion model the exact same grey and white outfit to put on and told to hand her my evening dress. I quietly asked her what this place was and she said in very matter of fact tone of voice “Oh, don’t you know? This is a “How To Beat Death” camp and convention, haven’t you been briefed? These are all volunteers of our program”. Cold sweat appeared on my forehead and I started quickly gathering my things. “Are you people all insane? Why would you want to beat death??!!” – I pleaded with these mannequin-like expressions. They all looked like robots, not living, breathing souls anymore. “Why would you want to make every moment of your life not special? Don’t you understand that life is only special because there is death at the end of it, why would you want to change that!!?” – I yelled at them, trying to wake them up.
Tears filled my eyes. I took my purse and rushed out of the camp. As I was running out a woman in her 50’s screamed “I have cancer and that is why I’m here!!” – “So what?!! I have pretty bad health myself and so? That doesn’t make me want to become a lab rat for billionaires out there in the ballroom, in who’s hands you put your soul. They don’t care about you or your cancer, don’t you get it? Wake up!! all of you wake up!!” As I screamed those words, laughter filled the camp grounds and continued until I reached the ballroom inside the hotel. As I walked past the convention in the ballroom towards the exit, people were whispering and pointing their disapproving diamond-drip fingers in my direction and shaking their heads at what they were told happened inside the camp grounds. I turned around and broke the silence – “How to beat death? Really? Have you all gone mad? Why would anyone want to live forever?? Wake up people!! Wake up!!” I was crying and screaming “Wake up” all the way to the exit door…
As it snapped closed, tears were running down my cheeks, I continued to beat on the door with my hands with great sadness, shock and tormented soul, with a scream that got quieter and quieter, almost a whisper now… “Wake up! Please wake up! You have to wake up!”…
and so I did…
“What is Love?”
“Find what you love and let it kill you…”
A wicked mind once said…
Are those words of a wise man or a fool?
How dare you suggest such happiness and sorrow?
How dare you take away my will?
How dare you stand so far and watch me take off my armor and yield it to their feet?
How foolishly wise of you, Mr. How foolishly wise…
Piece by piece, layer after layer…
First the fear, then, the pride,
And now I stand bare — all that I am, inside all that you are…
To go all in and to lose.
The higher they let you fly,
The more exquisitely grand you shall fall.
You say, that it’s all up to me and that I should choose…
Would you be willing to be so vulnerable and naked?
Would you dance on knives, while your feet bled?
Would you cover the wounds or let them burn?
Would you let them kill you?
I raise my glass to my dismay and to your victory!
I’m painting masterpieces with my toes — pinkish-red, like those roses of Van Gogh…
They will fade with time, you know?
The scars will heal, even if my soul will not.
Let me kiss the hand that feeds, then lulls to sleep.
Let me run through shattered echoes of my sanity — swept away into some other reality.
Let me drift away into the madness of us…
And then quietly, with a smile, stab my heart…
My arms are open,
I no longer hide.
Take that knife and tango me one last time.
To have loved so deeply, to have danced so freely,
To have lost myself so passionately…
Not in vain…
What is love?
On one side of a coin —
Letting them kill you and loving them even more…
On the other —
Love is knowing you have the power to kill yet choosing not to.
On a stage of life, one must continue dancing, even when music is replaced by the sweet bondage of silence, that hangs heavily in the air and standing ovations checkmated by the echo of an empty Theatre. To stop that dance would be an irreversible punishment to the Theatre of ones soul. The truth can never be taught, only experienced and that truth sings loudest, once surrendered to the fall. To fall on stage is a true blessing, which is disguised as a curse.
A wonderful stranger who I collided with here in Bangkok, said something to me before we parted…
“I will remember you… I will remember you as Magic…”
A lot of people write to me with different stages of cancer, different illnesses, heartache and so many stories of their pain and sorrow, asking for advice. I always write them emails filled with links to my own stories, articles, videos and tips, that I also have come across on internet, in order to help somehow.
From now on I will also add the following — whoever hurt you in your life and whoever was hurt by you — ask for forgiveness.
Now I stand before you, in silence, inside infinite nothingness, asking you to forgive me. If my words or actions have caused you (the person reading this) any pain, please forgive me.
TO WHOEVER IS READING THIS RIGHT NOW ;
EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT KNOW YOU OR SEEN YOU, HUGGED YOU, DANCED WITH YOU, LAUGHED OR CRIED WITH YOU OR HAVE THE SAME SKIN COLOR, BELIEFS OR THOUGHTS AS YOU —
KNOW, THAT I LOVE YOU.